take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
