I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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