A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
