I'm going to jail i love you
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
