Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize