It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
