I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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