Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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