I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
