my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
