Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
