I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I need to calm my uterus...
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