____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
