by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
