Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize