I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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