I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Two words: nipple clamps
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