Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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