Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
