Swine flu. Run for my life!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
