He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
