i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
