she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
