How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize