My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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