im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
