Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The ass gains better be worth it
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