I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
