In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
His hands were made for my vagina.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
