Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
