just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
