I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
