Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
