her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
