You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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