Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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