my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
