i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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