Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
