I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize