I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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