Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
