At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
