Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
