I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
