Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i came on her dog
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
