my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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