I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize