apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize