she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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