so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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