doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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