I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
