Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Bring me that man meat
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
