I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
