Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize