i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
