That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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