You can't special order awesome
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
