What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
