You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
