You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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