It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
