In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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